So, I was going through a FUNK! It was very bad and I was very unhappy about it. It started during Lenten season, when I opted to give up a bunch of stuff, as usual. But this time, the Lord guided me to also start getting up earlier, so I could pray and have Quiet Time with Him.
At first, it was great, but in short order, I started getting tired.
Then, the adversary was right there, waiting and watching. Now for some dense reason, I was not able to remember that the adversary takes it UP a notch during Lent; instead I was under the impression (I have NO idea why) that the adversary would back off -- respect the "holiness" of my fasting and give me a break.
How dumb.
So, by the time Lent was coming around the bend into Easter, I was tired, cranky, had gotten snappy at my family, was becoming confused about my prayers ("Hey, why does God need prayer? He doesn't need prayer. So why should I pray?"), and all around getting the stuffing beat out of me by my old friends Confusion, Frustration, Fatigue and Rage.
Not a good scene.
So, there I am, telling God that I TOTALLY understand that it's not about me... that I KNOW it's about Him, that I KNOW it's about His Will, not my own. What do I have to DO to get Him to know that I understand and surrender? How do I SHOW Him that I understand that this is all about God.
So I raise these weak prayers through the static, go through the motions, face the darkness, struggle with the demons, and get quieter and quieter in my own struggle.
Quick check -- what have we got? Let's see -- I'm no longer able to communicate with the Lord, I'm isolating myself from my brothers and sisters in Christ, I'm no longer feeling any real connection with God's Presence (though I know constantly that He is there), I'm running out of energy, and I'm trying to figure out what I need to do to make it all better.
Well, long story short -- I got to a place where I was even screaming at God. I was telling Him all sorts of silly things -- and He took it, like He always does. He even comforted me, because He knew (as I know now) that this was a painful growth experience for me.
So, over time, I began to finally bring my troubles to my friends at church. First I asked Jeff Brown for a little prayer cover -- that got me on my feet enough to get the strength to ask for more help.
I checked in with Father Jack, and He helped me with the most BASIC, low-level Spirit stuff -- he basically jump-started my prayer life again.
Jack came over to my house and helped me to sanctify parts of it that needed some focus from all the things I'd been addressing. Coincidentally, Al and Starr just "happened" to be around while that was going on, so we had a fellowship around it in the process... and Kathy and I got a nice batch of Holy Water to boot :)
Ok ... so now I got some prayer working, hey God, little help? I'm at my wit's end ... confused -- show me something... what should I DO?!!!!
Have Faith in Me, He says. Let MY Plan be sufficient.
Ok, I'm in, but HOW?
I get my first breath of fresh air on the way to work, when I realize that I'm getting my head above water, that the Lord is lifting me up again -- so I gave Him thanks and praise... have a basically nice day.
Then I go to BSF, and there it is, in plain words, for me to understand.
The lecturer is discussing 7 aspects of a Christian life. He has decided to make them all start with the letter "C". There's the standards: Covenant, Commitment, etc.
The last one hit home. Made it all clear.
"Collapse".
I'm struggling for what to do -- trying to figure it all out -- and God makes it so easy and so clear that only a complicated knowitall like me could mess it up.
Basically, the conversation is like this:
"God, what should I DO to show you that I know it's all about YOUR Will, not mine? Tell me and I'll do it -- anything!!!"
"Fall over."
I'm feeling much better now :)
